D U R I N G

It's so much easier to write about a struggle or challenging time in ones life after it has passed and there is some closure to the story. But what about the people who's stories don't have a happy ending (or what they were really hoping for)? What about the parents whose kids haven't become disciples yet? Or the men/women who haven't found the person they want to marry...or the couples who have been trying to have children but weren't able to? Do we want to talk about that or even read about it?Personally, I love faith building miraculous stories where the dad who had been persecuting his daughter for years, burning her Bible and forbidding her to go to church, became a disciple 30 years later in his 80's and passed away a few days later. (That is a very short version of a true story of a disciple in India). But lately, with the overwhelming amount of social media showing me how perfect everyone else's life is, I really want to hear about the raw struggles. I want to know how people deal with their heavy hearts when circumstances don't change. 

Here's my meager attempt to share something that is very personal and has been a bit discouraging for my husband and I. Part of me hesitates to share this because I have friends who have gone/are going through so much worse. But I'm working on seeing everyone's challenges as real/different/valid to them and trying to grow in my empathy. Hopefully this helps you as well.

After I became a disciple I came up with a game to keep my thoughts from wandering into lustful or impure thoughts. I had scriptures memorized too! But it was those random moments of riding in a rickshaw, or waiting and staring into space where I didn't want to think of anything really, and I didn't want Satan to get me! So I would think of tattoo ideas. And it was my safe hypothetical space. Since David and I got married, grown older (and not as thirsty for ink), the game changed. I think it started when David's brother was about to have a daughter and he was telling us about his baby name discussion with his wife. He said he liked the name "Dav", which someone had reminded him was also an abbreviation for Disabled American Veterans. We laughed so much at his story and would randomly shoot out names for fun. Then I thought for names for our two fish we got for my first birthday in Colombo (they died three months in). But their names were hilarious. And since David and I started trying for a baby we would joke about names too. I looked them up in Hebrew, Hindi, Spanish and sometimes just throw out random ideas. It really is a fun game but it's a tad salty now. It's been almost 2 years since we've been trying and nothing yet. We've done quite a few tests that weren't cheap either. And while I'm not alarmed because I totally have faith in God's timing, I'm a bit disheartened about pushing to do more tests. They just leave me feeling more confused but confident in God, because so far all the feedback has been - you'll are perfectly fine to have babies.
Join my mixed emotions club right here.

Three of my colleagues have gotten pregnant and had babies since I've started teaching. And two newly wed couples in our church that were baptized are about to have their babies this month, and the following month. Not to mention all the friends we have overseas that got married around the same time or later than we did, and are parents now or parents-to-be. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pregnancy fairy, sprinkling magic dust on my friends and they get pregnant lol. One of the couples at work were even telling me they didn't want to have kids yet because they loved their weekends too much, right before they found out they were pregnant. There's a lot of celebrating to be done. And I'm going to Philippians 4:4 it and "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!". And celebrate all my friends and their beautiful babies.

But theres more than that. As a disciple and leader I get to love and nurture a lot of singles and campus girls that need me to love them like a mum would. And while it has been very challenging to give my heart so much and have it get hurt often, I guess that's preparing my for motherhood. It reminds me of what Mary said about a sword piercing her own soul (Luke 2:35).

One of my girls here who we baptized in 2015 lost her mother (who thankfully was also a disciple and we also had the privilege of baptizing her our first Sunday in Colombo) in a horrible train accident. It was the toughest and most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. Her funeral was so sad and in Sri Lankan culture they keep the body out for everyone to see. She was my good friend and partner in the gospel to me and I still miss her dearly.

I got a card from her daughter on Saturday when I was feeling a bit down about the no-baby stuff and a bunch of other things that I'll save for another post. But a line from her card said "thank you for being or maybe making me feel my mom's love again." 

How kind is God that he helps us be everything and more than everything we can ever dream of being. So yes, I will keep seeking first His Kingdom and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33), and I will keep rejoicing in Him because the joy of my Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). How can I not be faithful!? There is so much that I can be grateful for! My salvation! My name actually being in the book of life, WHAT! Amazing! My wonderful husband, who has been carrying me up and down three flights of stairs since I fracture my ankle six weeks ago. He has done that and so much more to help me get to work, eat, bathe, get closer to God and feel loved. I'm also so grateful that I've started walking again this week, and climbing stairs too!

But even if none of this was going for me, I think about what Peter said after a lot of disciples stopped following Jesus.

So Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?”Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:67-69)

Thank you so much Lord for your word. It helps me get out of my downward spiral and see better. I'm so lost without you. Thank you for being the lamp to my feet and the light to my heart. And I pray we can all be devoted to you with all our hearts, souls, minds and strength regardless of our circumstances here on earth. Thank you for teaching me how to wait on you and really be patient. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.



If you made it all the way through this post, could you pray for us to have a baby soon? Thank you x

- little fire



*Top illustration by Nhung Le